Mistakes

The plan has always been to produce and direct this documentary while acting primarily at what we call a “one-man band”. From the first time I picked up a professional camera in college, to countless shoots with the NBA - I have acted as a one-man band ( camera, crew, producer and reporter all rolled into one person) more times than I have acted as a producer to a full crew, so it was only natural for me to set out to do this project in the same manner.

I’ve done this countless times, but there have been four times in the last ten or so years that I have royally screwed up in this setting. There was the time in college when I, the acting Sports Director of our college tv station, tried to help a younger member of our staff and accidentally erased all of his footage. I still lose sleep over that mistake (sorry Jeff). Then while at the NBA, I was sent out with a trusty Canon 5D, a camera I had used quite a bit to film a luncheon honoring some of the exemplary women of the WNBA. I came back with a ton of footage and felt really good about both the sounds and visuals I had captured. When I got back to the office and another editor began to work on the footage, they noticed some strange lines running across the screen. Someone had changed the settings on the camera and I had been careless and had not checked the settings before shooting - lesson learned. The third “screw up” came during my tenure at NBC. To be fair, I was out of practice, having not shot anything on my own in over a year. We had arranged a shoot with several Olympic hopefuls at 30 Rock (NBC’s headquarters in Manhattan) and because we did not have a lot of gear (digital budgets are slim), I brought along a cheap wireless mic I had recently bought for my own kit. I had never used the mic and had not yet tested their capabilities. Well, this was neither the time nor the place to try it out. I mic’d up the athletes and listened in with my headphones at the start of the interview - sounded great, okay good, we can start. Took the headphones off and we began. Here’s the problem with cheap wireless microphones that depend on radio signals to communicate between the microphone pack and the receiver that’s plugged into the camera. 30 Rock is the epicenter of such signals and we were on a higher floor, lending us to be even more perceptible to intercepting the wrong signals. When we got back up to the office the next day, I was embarrassed and apologized profusely to the rest of my team whom I had let down. Luckily the shoot had been a tiny part of our overall production plan and that segment was only a part of the day, but nonetheless I had screwed up, I had failed. This was a new experience for me as a professional. Sure, in college I had made mistakes, but that was college. Yes, at the NBA I had returned with some footage that was “noisy”, but it was salvageable. This was just a waste. My biggest fear is always forgetting to hit record, or accidentally stopping a recording when I mean to start one. A fear that seemed silly and unfounded for a long time.

The most recent ”screw up” came today. The truth is that since leaving the NBA in 2016, I have only had a handful of one-man band assignments. I’ve had the luxury of almost always working with a crew in the field for the last three years. This is great, it allows me to set up the shots with a DP (director of photography) and then trust that he or she will make sure that everything sounds and looks okay, freeing me up to fully concentrate on the interview. Three quarters of the footage shot for the documentary thus far have also been shot by a crew that I was directing. It’s safe to say, I’m a little rusty.

Last week, I got a new camera and upgraded the software on the camera I already had. I’ve also recently added some tools that allow me to plug my cameras directly into power, making sure that I don’t have to worry about checking batteries during the interview. My kit is now pretty complete. I tested out the new camera and made sure all the settings were ready on both cameras in preparation for my shoot today. I arrived with all of my gear to my aunt’s apartment and for whatever reason felt rushed. I don’t know why, but if there is a major lesson for me here it is definitely to slow down and take a few breaths before getting started. Usually, I use my iPad as a wireless monitor to keep an eye on my eye secondary angle (a Canon 5D Mark IV with a brand new fancy 85mm), but for some reason today during my anxiety fueled set-up I decided to forgo the iPad. I set up the two cameras, got the lights up and hit record. Well, at least I thought I hit record. After a great, insightful and emotional interview I stood up to check the cameras. It turns out, my worst fears had been realized. I did not actually hit record on the 5D. “Okay,” I thought, “I’ve lost my secondary angle, but the main camera and audio were recorded. It’s okay.” I tried to laugh off my mishap, knowing full well I would be berating myself the whole ride home. Then I got back to my office and popped in the cards from the C200 to begin transferring footage. When I bought the C200 I knew that it had 4K capabilities, but I had decided at the beginning of production that I would keep filming in HD (it’s more cost efficient) and still high-quality. What I didn’t realize is that when I bought a 128 GB CFast card to use with the camera, is that it would only record in 4K. While 128 GB of HD footage can last over an hour, 128 GB of 4K footage lasts only about 16 minutes. When I opened the files and saw what had happened my heart broke. Full disclosure, I cried a little. This great interview that would be the basis of so much of the story I am trying to tell was lost - actually, is lost. It is gone. I called my aunt and apologized, explaining the situation as best I could. I’m sure we will reschedule, but I’m still angry, mad, sad, upset, disappointed  - all of these things. 

Why am I sharing this? Well, today was a big day in my production schedule. Today was a day of mistakes. Today was also a true testament to some of the traits that I think might be linked to the intergenerational trauma I’m exploring. The need to be staunchly independent. The need to be perfect. The need to do it alone. Look, me not hiring a crew for the whole production was not a decision made purely out of my stubbornness - It was also a financial decision and a creative decision, but my stubborn independence was definitely a factor. The truth is, I can in fact do this. I have done this. I may be a little rusty, but I had my major “screw up” and now lesson learned. Next shoot - the CFAST card goes to the side and iPad monitor will be set up. I will remember to breath during set up. 

The 16 minutes of this interview do look beautiful. Who knows, maybe next time I make a film I’ll have some more cash to spare and will be able to afford to shoot everything in 4K, but for now I’ll stick with my trusty SD cards.  

I promise to do better. For you - my audience, for them - my family and my subjects and for me. This story deserves me at my best so I guess I will just have to remember to take a deep breath and slow down.

My beautiful aunt Michele in 4K